3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
