my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
