i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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