mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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