I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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