I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
