I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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