If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
