so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
