thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
