Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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