for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
