I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
