The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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