What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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