Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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