oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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