That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
