Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
