So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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