the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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