Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
