Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
