I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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