saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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