the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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