my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
