this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
