Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I need moral support for this bender
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
