Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
