Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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