I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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