I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just pee around me
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
