Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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