We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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