I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
