I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
