Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
