I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
