I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
