swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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