Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She even gives head with a lisp.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
