haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
3 2 1 whiskey
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
