ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
