watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
