Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
