i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
