Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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