I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
