I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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