Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
